The Normalization of Child Marriages and Relationships between Teens and Adults- What’s Wrong with It?
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A common tradition among cultures in South Asia is marrying off girls as young as 5-9 to grown men, similarly in the west grown men have an odd admiration towards young girls when it comes to dating and relationships, stating that there is nothing wrong with dating a girl who is three or four years younger and a healthy relationship is most certainly possible between a man who is an adult and a teenage girl. Among one of the recurrent phrases I've been exposed to on the regular, the most frequently used one is "Love is love and age is just a number."
This quote can be used to speak in the context of healthy relationships between two adults, such as to describe the endearing relationship between Khadijah (RA) who was 40 years old at the time she wed the Prophet (SAW), while he was 25. Her emotional as well as financial support enabled the Muhammad (SAW) to be a Prophet and accept the duty to spread the message from Angel Jibril. Their love breaks the toxic culture of masculinity that breeds among our societies, which say that women are the ones who have to wait for a man to approach for marriage and men are the ones who always have to carry financial responsibility in order to be a true “man” whereas in the history and teachings of Islam,it is evident that Khadija (RA) met the Muhammad (SAW) while dealing with business and she was the one who offered the proposal and supported Him financially. “Indeed I was nourished by her (Khadija's) love” - Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: [Sahih Muslim Book 31, Number 5972 ] Clearly in this context, love exists without age being and interference.
However when it comes down to the situation of child marriages which run quite common in Muslim countries, the purpose of marriage no longer becomes the aim of love and support but to assert control over girls from a young age: control over their bodies and decisions which becomes the direct result of getting her married in order to have her out of the house and into the hands of another man. In Islam, the purpose of marriage is to have a partner in your life who is willing to make sacrifices for your happiness and safety, who will go through the tests of the dunya by your side and enter the gates of heaven with you. Verses in the Quran that speak about marriage show it as a bond between two people who see each other as equals
- "They (your wives) are a clothing (covering) for you and you too are a clothing (covering) for them." (Surah 2, Verse 187)
- And one of His signs is that He has created for you, spouses from amongst yourselves so that you might take comfort in them and He has placed between you, love and mercy. In this there is surely evidence (of the truth) for the people who carefully think." (Surah 30, Verse 21)
- The Messenger of Allah (S) has said, "There is no foundation that has been built in Islam more loved by Allah, (The Greatest and Noblest) than marriage."
- “There is nothing better for two who love each other than marriage" (Book 9, Hadith 1920)
- “There is nothing better for two who love each other than marriage”- Rasulullah (SAW)
Many people who worship the societal norms among our communities fail to acknowledge verses like these in the Quran which provide factual evidence that marriage is build off love and compatibility, not power, control and authority. One of the most common examples I’ve heard is the proclamation that there is nothing wrong with a 16 year and and a 20 year old being together. It is important to note that both people are in separate boats of life and a relationship can not be build off mutual respect and equality between someone who hasn't even finished high school yet and someone who is almost finished university or working.The years between 16 and 20 are essential for growth, maturity and experience in life matters one would not know in their earlier years and those who are older than 20 know this as a fact. The purpose of a marriage/ relationship is to go through the struggles of life together, but the problems of a 16 year old appears to be quite insignificant to that of a 20 year old as they go through problems that are quite minuscule in the big picture, but normal for them such as high school friendships which rarely last in future years and grades that don’t impact the future significantly. In this situation a teenager lacks empathy and support for their problems, because to someone older these issues are unimportant and childish. When you look at someone who is below you in knowledge, experience and maturity you surely won’t see them as and equal- this is proven by the majority of child marriages and relationships between grown adults as teenager as many teen girls have spoke out about being raped by their partners at the time, manipulated into sex, making decisions they didn't want and were powerless during arguments. Many of these girls are raised on this lifelong trauma which causes psychological problems and a deep feeling of insecurity and worthlessness due to the fact that they lost their childhoods/lives to submitting to an authority figure who had power. This purely should be enough to debunk any arguments supporting child marriages and relationships between teens and adults. Islam also shows no support for such practices. it is frequently and faultily believed that Aisha (RA), the wife of the Prophet was 9 years old when she married, however the only person that spread this claim was Hisham bin Urwa father alone and is marked as an unreliable sources. Evidence from Hijrah dates and the minimum age required to battle (which Aisha (RA) led) proves that Aisha (RA) was at approximately 19 when she got married.
Many Muslims, especially in rural places in South Asia say they marry off their daughters as children in the name of Islam by picking and twisting certain ayahs in order to try and back up their disgusting mentality. It is important to remind that these people do not value Islam for God’s sake, but again to fit into our communities which appear to value religion. Being a Muslim automatically means practicing Islam as a way of life and putting the words of God, the words of equality and justice above everything else. those who take certain ayahs out of context to support their backward mentality will be held accountable for bringing injustice to the words of Allah. If you want to marry off your children, keep Islam out of it and be prepared to face the consequences of your actions because Allah (SWT) forgives all except those who took away the rights of people and oppress another human being.
The Prophet (pbuh) said “If anyone has done wrong to his brother he should make reparations to him before a Day in which there will be no Dinar or Dirham."
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