Musings of a Muslim Desi

A common tradition among cultures in South Asia is marrying off girls as young as 5-9 to grown men, similarly in the west grown men have an odd admiration towards young girls when it comes to dating and relationships, stating that there is nothing wrong with dating a girl who is three or four years younger and a healthy relationship is most certainly possible between a man who is an adult and a teenage girl. Among one of the recurrent phrases I've been exposed to on the regular, the most frequently used one is "Love is love and age is just a number."

This quote can be used to speak in the context of healthy relationships between two adults, such as to describe the endearing relationship between Khadijah (RA) who was 40 years old at the time she wed the Prophet (SAW), while he was 25. Her emotional as well as financial support enabled the Muhammad (SAW) to be a Prophet and accept the duty to spread the message from Angel Jibril. Their love breaks the toxic culture of masculinity that breeds among our societies, which say that women are the ones who have to wait for a man to approach for marriage and men are the ones who always have to carry financial responsibility in order to be a true “man”  whereas in the history and teachings  of Islam,it is evident that Khadija (RA) met the Muhammad (SAW) while dealing with business and she was the one who offered the proposal and supported Him financially. “Indeed I was nourished by her (Khadija's) love” - Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: [Sahih Muslim Book 31, Number 5972 ] Clearly in this context, love exists without age being and interference.

However when it comes down to the situation of child marriages which run quite common in Muslim countries, the purpose of marriage no longer becomes the aim of  love and support but to assert control over girls from a young age: control over their bodies and decisions which becomes the direct result of getting her married in order to have her out of the house and into the hands of another man. In Islam, the purpose of marriage is to have a partner in your life who is willing to make sacrifices for your happiness and safety, who will go through the tests of the dunya by your side and enter the gates of heaven with you. Verses in the Quran that speak about marriage show it as a bond between two people who see each other as equals

Many people who worship the societal norms among our communities fail to acknowledge verses like these in the Quran which provide factual evidence that marriage is build off love and compatibility, not power, control and authority. One of the most common examples I’ve heard is the proclamation that there is nothing wrong with a 16 year and and a 20 year old being together. It is important to note that both people are in separate boats of life and a relationship can not be build off mutual respect and equality between someone who hasn't even finished high school yet and someone who is almost finished university or working.The years between 16 and 20 are essential for growth, maturity and experience in life matters one would not know in their earlier years  and those who are older than 20 know this as a fact. The purpose of a marriage/ relationship is to go through the struggles of life together, but the problems of a 16 year old appears to be quite insignificant to that of a 20 year old as they go through problems that are quite minuscule in the big picture, but normal for them such as high school friendships which rarely last in future years and grades that don’t impact the future significantly. In this situation a teenager lacks empathy and support for their problems, because to someone older these issues are unimportant and childish. When you look at someone who is below you in knowledge, experience and maturity you surely won’t see them as and equal- this is proven by the majority of child marriages and relationships between grown adults as teenager as many teen girls have spoke out about being raped by their partners at the time, manipulated into sex, making decisions they didn't want and were powerless during arguments. Many of these girls are raised on this lifelong trauma which causes psychological problems and a deep feeling of insecurity and worthlessness due to the fact that they lost their childhoods/lives to submitting to an authority figure who had power. This purely should be enough to debunk any arguments supporting child marriages and relationships between teens and adults. Islam also shows no support for such practices. it is frequently and faultily believed that Aisha (RA), the wife of the Prophet was 9 years old when she married, however the only person that spread this claim was Hisham bin Urwa father alone and is marked as  an unreliable sources. Evidence from Hijrah dates and the minimum age required to battle (which Aisha (RA) led) proves that Aisha (RA) was at approximately 19 when she got married.

Many Muslims, especially in rural places in South Asia say they marry off their daughters as children in the name of Islam by picking and twisting certain ayahs in order to try and back up their disgusting mentality. It is important to remind that these people do not value Islam for God’s sake, but again to fit into our communities which appear to value religion. Being a Muslim automatically means practicing Islam as a way of life and putting the words of God, the words of equality and justice above everything else. those who take certain ayahs out of context to support their backward mentality will be held accountable for bringing injustice to the words of Allah. If you want to marry off your children, keep Islam out of it and be prepared to face the consequences of your actions because Allah (SWT) forgives all except those who took away the rights of people and oppress another human being.

The Prophet (pbuh) said “If anyone has done wrong to his brother he should make reparations to him before a Day in which there will be no Dinar or Dirham."

I walk into the washroom of my mom's friends house to see a bottle of Fair and Lovely on the counter. "These whites never have to worry about getting their skin darkened in the summer!" I hear her say to my mother. When I'm driven through the roads of Pakistan I see billboards advertising this skin bleaching cream with the phrase "I would rather die than be black!" Patches of discolored skin on my friend's face is the first thing I notice when she enters my house, when I question her about it she replies "It's Fair and Lovely, I'm trying not to get any darker in the summer!" with a laugh. I simply scroll through my dash and see gifs of Bajirao Mastani and I can't help but wonder why Deepika looks like a pale sick woman; what happened to her beautiful honey skin? Forget Deepika, I wonder why I have yet to see a woman darker than Deepika play the role of a heroine in a Bollywood movie. Why are Meenama's kidnappers all dark skinned in Chennai Express?..

In Muslim communities filled with Desis, irony runs like water from a tap. If you dare make a white people joke, Aunties look at you like you've killed someone stating "Allah created them, Allah created everyone perfect!", then 5 minutes later I hear "Her hair looks like the blacks who don't brush their hair!" 

Allah made everyone beautiful, Allah is the Al-Mussawir, The Best Fashioner ...until it comes to black people. Then something must've definitely went wrong along the way. Bilal (RA) is only ever mentioned to combat anti-blackness in Muslim communities.

It's evident colorsim and anti-blackness is the blind disease in South Asia, everyone thinks they're doing you a favor by whitening your skin to the point where you look unrecognizable. My mother thinks I get my attitude from my "kali friends" yet she will scream that she is not racist and she just doesn't like black people because they are criminals. When we live in a world where a white man shoots up a school every other day and black people are arrested, even killed for daring to walk the streets, Desi parents still pull their kids a little closer when a black person walks in the same direction as them.

Being dark skinned is an unforgiving sin in Desi communities, especially if you're a woman AND dark. Girls who feel alien in their dark skin seek any form of acceptance, when they turn into women they've engulfed these European standards of beauty. Aunties crowd them, saying that "No one will marry a woman who's so dark!" Skin whitening creams are smoothed on their skin from the day they're born, parents who's heart sink with disappointment upon realizing how dark their daughter is. This amount of pressure is never put on men; men are not taught to be repulsed by their skin and bodies to such an extend. Instead they want wives who are fair skinned, they date white women like they are status symbols as if to say "Yes, I am dark skinned but look! A white woman loves me!" The combination of internalized racism and sexism results in these men to look down on women of their race; women of their exact skin tone as undesirable and unworthy.
South Asia in general still continues to suffer the consequences of colonization. The effects linger hundreds of years later, reminding us that we once used to love ourselves, embrace Hinduism and Islam and allow the members to coexist until enmity brewed between the groups. The Raj resulted in the raping of countless women, killings of countless children and disappearance of countless men. The West alienates us, calls us backwards forgetting that they were the ones who tore every spare corner of our land apart. They gained off of us only to leave us burnt. They taught us to hate the skin we were born into. South Asia was full of honey to gorgeous dark skinned people, now we watch as the biggest leads of Bollywood get surgery to whiten their skin and endorse skin bleaching creams. First Deepika Padukoune and Priyanka Chopra, now all of South Asia has learnt the art of hatred; how to scrub your beautiful dark skin til it turns red, and one day we pray that it will turn white. We pray that we are loved and accepted in our own communities and outside them one day..
The cure starts with acceptance. Taking the hatred we have for dark skin out of the shadows and really asking ourselves, "Why do we hate what we're born with." If you're Muslim and you truly believe Allah made no mistakes creating mankind, ask yourself why do you see dark people as an exception? Then, you will realize that it's what you were taught. All the magazines you've flipped through, every Bollywood star and ever member in your community displays that white is perfection, the way that they are talked about, praised for lacking melanin in their skin.
Then I want you to read this
"Indeed, We have created the human being upon the best of forms..[95:4-8]"
and ask yourself "If the Lord of the heavens and the earth has created me in the best of forms, then who is anyone else to question that and tell me otherwise?"
No one. Not a single soul on this earth can make you believe that you aren't beautiful, you were molded by the hands of the Highest, perfection lies in every inch of your body.
As a society it's our job to undo the internalized racism and colorism that is hardwired in our brains. Yes, you didn't choose to think like this however it is your job to unlearn it. Yes, you can consume but you must consume intelligently, you must be critical of the media you take in, the voices of the people in your lives and the people you love, ask- does this sound right to me?
Finding the root to our toxic thinking is the ultimate way to change it, by doing this we can move forward with time and one day I pray-

Just two days before Paris,

Lebanon was attacked

People stayed careless 

And the world turned its back 

And people of the  world were clueless, that's a fact

They say it was the worst attack since the civil war

Targeted at Shia Muslims who had done no harm before 

I didn't see #prayforlebonon trending 

For those lives that had a horrid ending

Suicide bombers discarding their vests 

Stole 40 lives and bodies put to rest 

I never heard this from any news outlet 

Makes it seem like that tragedy wasn't counted

Two days later terrorists spread the city 

That everyone loves, only then people began to pity 

The president of Canada and the president of America stood to speak

The whole world came together and began to weep

Fingers pointed at the religion that preaches peace

Fingers pointed at the Syrian refugees 

Who are fleeing the same attacks 

Don't let them fool you

All the Muslim countries suffering are also on the map

That try to tell you Isis is Islamic

But not that 92% of their victims are Muslims

I must confess

The attacks they commit are only tragic 

When it happens somewhere in the west

Again two days later 20 bombs dropped 

In Syria, the little boy washed on shore 

everyone seemed to have forgot 

The city of dust that is covered with rubble 

Where people were just trying to recover 

Was where a plane of bombs took a trip 

To a place that's paying for a crime 

They didn't commit

I'm not saying don't pray for Paris 

Don't misinterpret my words 

But stories of lost lives are just waiting for the time to be heard

Instead their names and stories get zero mention

While attacks less vicious get full attention

Media only pick and choose 

What they want you to know 

You never always know the whole truth 

At lying their a pro

In a matter of 6 days how many tragedies?

The grief and suffering of countless families 

Out of 3 Which did you hear about most 

Which tragedy on social media had the most posts? 

Why are some lives more important than others

While some lives the world just never gets to discover?

The act of honor killing is quite humorous to me considering the fact that according to most cultural and societal ideals, men are the ones who carry the honor of the family. It is a man who is responsible for being the leader of the household, for providing for his family. It is a man who generously gives his last name for his wife to inherit in order to mark their love. It is a man who protects and flourishes the community, it is a man who fights- it has always been a man who carries the honor of the family, however I have yet to see a man be killed for shattering the reputation of a family. 

When God gave humans free will, I think you forget that not only you have this freedom. When God created women, He did not create them to be policed and controlled in fear by the hands of men. When God forbade ignorant Arabs from burying female infants alive, it was not only for them. Islam is the religion of justice and equality- a religion that came to reinstall humanity and peace and grant rights to those who were powerless. If you think you are above what God has ordained, perhaps you should reconsider why you call yourself a Muslim.

If you want to talk honor maybe you should take a look at yourselves first. We have Muslim men who stay out til the brim of dawn, clubbing and discarding their clothing for any attractive lady in sight while simultaneously reviling women who do the same. On Yawm-ul-Qiyamah there will be no injustice between men and women. Your female counterparts will not be punished any more for the same sins they do as you. And their Lord responded to them: ‘I never fail to reward any worker among you for any work you do, be you male or female - you are equal to one another.” [Quran 3:195]

Qandeel Baloch wasn't afraid to do what she wanted. This Pakistani model spoke against the policing of women and called herself a modern day feminist ,leaving a powerful message when her point was made: she was strangled to death by her brother after she continued modelling and posting her pictures when her brother demanded her not to. Women cannot breathe the air of this earth without being controlled by men, without fearing violence against them. It must be a harsh reality to learn that God did not create women to serve you, God made humans the creatures with free will, the fact that you believe killing women is acceptable in Islam based on what your perception of a "religious woman" shows that you do not see women as humans. God did not create men as missionaries, to punish women for Him for "Whether you conceal what is in your hearts or bring it into the open, God knows it: for He knows all that is in the heavens and all that is on earth; and God has the power to will anything." - 3:29. You do not know what is in the hearts of women, you do not know their relationship with God and you have no authority to decide whether or not women deserve to live. 

Your minds are clouded with ignorance and filth, your eyes are blinded with arrogance and God does not allow the entry of anyone with a mustard's seed of arrogance into heaven. Humble yourselves with the words of God, know your place and where you stand, know your duties as a Muslim man in this world, know what your lord has commanded from you.